My battery was draining too quickly on my new smartphone and a solution I found suggested restricting the background data on the apps. It works and this morning I realized I need to do the same thing with my brain.
Since I decided to really commit myself to writing for real, including this blog, some feelings, and a new understanding, have developed about my place on this planet, especially now that I am geographically removed from so many people. While I know my friends in Vancouver love and miss me, the truth is that if you are not there, you are not part of their everyday lives anymore. And I chose to leave. Yup, I did. And many of my friends who I cherish are not big communicators so the following should not be a surprise. But it still hurts.
I sent an email to over 50 people who, 3 years ago told me wanted to keep in touch and hear about life in Sweden. 2 people responded (but have not signed up for my blog). Then I figured out where I could send invitations directly and 2 out of 20 good and close friends responded (thank you R and N!). I posted a plea on Facebook, and 3 people responded, but none of them signed up to support me. I am not sure how to feel about this. The logical part of my brain says, well, perhaps they did not realize these requests were from me, even though I sent it first using my personal email. Or, perhaps it got put into junk mail..or, everyone just gets too many emails so it got missed. Mostly I am just trying not to take it personally.
At this point in my rant, I must also thank my Swedish friends (T, C, and G, plus the big C) who responded right away.
Logically, I do understand about my friends in Vancouver. Emotionally, I am really quite sad. Not crushed, not devastated, not angry, nothing like that. Just plain sad. It means that I am gone. That I am background data. Or perhaps I need to think of this as background data, and restrict it for the time being as it is draining my energy and probably just trying to sell me stuff I don’t need, like additional chargers and online dating services. Yup. Since my friends are not signed up for this blog, I can say whatever I want about them! Or maybe, this is also part of the process of the homesickness fading from my body?
Today I am 45 and the gift to myself is this reminder:
Most of the stuff in my brain is background data that needs to be restricted. New things can be downloaded, but old corrupt data must be debugged and the grey mushy matter reformatted. Focus on the new friends you can find in the blogging world. The rest will follow when ready.