Fitting in has become the topic of the month for me. What I have found during this journey of mixed emotions is an unraveling of my expectations and self awareness that I could never predict. Every time I think I am doing okay, or starting to like it here, something else comes up for me to analyze. This time it directly relates to the words that sent me spiraling – “You don’t fit in.”
Now that I have had a few days to calm down, I understand that this is at the core of my restlessness, of my moves from country to country, job to job, activity to activity (However, not man to man. Instead I have been single most of my life). I am just trying to find the place, the people, the existence where I fit in. It is silly at its core. I don’t want to be like everyone else! I want to be individual, to shine more brightly, to be remembered for something. But generally, when I don’t like how things are going, in whatever realm that may be, I tend to keep moving…
This time I caught up to myself. Upon inspection, my discovery is that I am dead tired. I am lost in a swirl of uneven emotions and guilt that I am allowed the indulgence of even having the time to think so much about this topic. There are many people who are fighting for their lives, their family’s survival, standing up to corrupt governments, saving children or animals, or writing meaningful dialogue to effect change in the world. Why, then, should I, just an obscure, self-absorbed blogger, be allowed this small space on the web. Instead, I should be focused on doing something great, infecting change, inspiring others.Do important things outside of work, I don’t need to fit in. I need to put on a new attitude and remember what it was like to be young and hopeful about what we can achieve. It got lost in the grey folds of my brain.
Just take the pay cheque and shut up. That is my new strategy.